Steaks Are for Eating
If you were a character in a movie and you got a black eye, in the following scene you would be nursing it with a piece of steak.

Cut! The steak may have bacteria that you don't want on your eye, and since the only reason it's being used is because it's cold, retake the scene with a package of frozen vegetables or a cold, wet cloth. Leave it on the bruised area for about 20 minutes, off for 10 minutes, on for 20, off for 10. Get the picture?

Make a poultice by mixing 2 tablespoons of salt with 2 tablespoons of lard or vegetable shortening. Spread the mixture on a cloth and place it over the bruised eye. This poultice may help eliminate the bruised cells around the eye by stimulating the circulation. Be especially careful not to get the salty lard in your eye.

Pour witch hazel on a cotton pad and apply it to the bruised, closed eye. Lie down with your feet slightly higher than your head for a half-hour while the witch hazel stays in place.

Apply an ice pack to the eye immediately after the injury for ten minutes. Wait five minutes and apply again for ten minutes.

Peel and grate a potato (a red potato is best). Make a poultice out of it and keep it on the black eye for 20 minutes. Potassium chloride is one of the most effective healing compounds, and potatoes are the best source of potassium chloride.